We’ve all worked with that person: the one who seems to put their own needs and wants before the team’s. They hold onto information, resist feedback, or chase credit like it’s oxygen. They don’t “pass” what others need — whether that’s information, trust, or simple acknowledgment. We try to collaborate with them, but it’s a frustrating dead end. Here’s the twist.
For years, I thought moments like that were about them.
Now I realize they’re often about me.
I’ve led teams where I was unable to give what my team needed. I didn’t have the uncomfortable conversations they needed. I didn’t know how to pull us together as a team. And collaboration quietly broke down — not because of lack of effort, but because I was holding back.
Collaboration doesn’t break down because we lack the skills or tools. It breaks down because instead of passing to others what they need, we withhold it.
It’s a crisis of withholding — but it’s also an opportunity.
Because when we learn to stop withholding and start passing what others need, we unlock something rare: uncommon collaboration.
Here’s what I mean.
When people talk about collaboration problems, they tend to focus on communication:
- “We need to share more information.”
- “We need clearer roles.”
- “And we tell ourselves we need better meetings.”
All true. But those are symptoms. The root cause runs deeper.
Collaboration fails when we start withholding what others need.
We withhold information because we don’t trust how it’ll be used.
We withhold credit because we want to be noticed ourselves.
We withhold responsibility because we don’t want to fail.
We withhold truth because we’re afraid of conflict.
We withhold grace because we’re still holding on to a grudge.
Every act of withholding seems small in the moment, but together, they create invisible walls that separate people who should be working together.
That’s when teams lose more than productivity.
They lose talent, innovation, alignment, momentum, creativity, and joy.
Why We All Do It
We don’t withhold because we’re careless, but because we’re careful.
We’re protecting something: our reputation, our sense of control, our comfort, our safety, our need to be liked.
Maybe someone ignored your ideas once, so you stopped offering them. Maybe you gave a second chance and got burned, so you became cautious. Maybe you took a risk once and it backfired, so now you wait for others to move first.
And here’s the irony: the thing we do to protect ourselves is the very thing that isolates us.
When we withhold, we wall ourselves off. We can’t build collaboration from behind walls.
It’s not that we don’t want to pass — it’s that we’ve forgotten how.
The Four Passes That Restore Collaboration
Every great team — whether it’s a group of executives, a nonprofit board, or a basketball team — runs on passes.
These passes are more than skills; they’re habits that create what I call uncommon collaboration: the kind that restores trust, accelerates alignment, and makes teamwork energizing again.
1. Presence – “I’m with you.”
Real collaboration starts when people feel seen and heard, not fixed or managed. Presence means stepping into someone else’s world without trying to fix, convince, or control.
2. Truth – “Here’s what’s real.”
Teams don’t need more politeness; they need honesty wrapped in care. Truth creates clarity, and clarity builds trust.
3. Grace – “You’re enough.”
Without grace, teams stay cautious and defensive. With it, people let go of grudges, give second chances, and free themselves to move forward.
4. Belief – “I see what’s possible in you.”
Belief is contagious. When you believe in someone even before they’ve proven themselves, you unlock their confidence and commitment.
These four passes don’t require new tools or technology. They require courage.
They require leaders who are willing to go first — to stop withholding and start giving again.
How Withholding Shows Up at Work
If you want to see withholding in action, you don’t need to look far:
- The meeting where everyone nods politely, but you can feel the tension underneath.
- The team that avoids giving feedback because it’s “not the right time.”
- The leader who gets defensive when receiving feedback.
- The department that guards information like a trade secret.
Withholding feels safe, yet it’s what slowly drains the life out of a team.
When teams learn to stop withholding and start passing, they don’t just collaborate — they create uncommon collaboration.
That’s the kind where people show up for each other, trust one another deeply, and move with shared purpose.
From Withholding to Passing
When we start passing what others need — presence, truth, grace, and belief — something shifts.
People relax.
They open up.
They start trusting again.
Collaboration stops feeling like a forced exercise and starts feeling like momentum.
I’ve watched leaders transform entire teams just by consistently making intentional passes they’d been withholding. A simple apology. A word of belief. A moment of presence. An invitation for feedback.
It doesn’t take a big initiative to rebuild collaboration — just a small act of courage to go first.
So here’s the question:
What are you withholding right now that your team needs?
Whatever it is — your presence, your truth, your grace, your belief — start there.
Pass it.
Because uncommon collaboration doesn’t start with a new strategy.
It starts when someone decides to go first.
If you’re ready to create uncommon collaboration in your organization, here’s how I help leaders put it into practice:
- Define and operationalize the Four Passes within your specific team culture.
- Facilitate the breakthrough conversations that have been previously withheld.
- Create lasting momentum that renews talent and joy.
Ready to stop withholding and start collaborating?
